Tough
Love
Sermon preached by Rev. Larry Young
August 13, 2006
Scripture:
2 Samuel 18:5-9, 15,
31-33; Ephesians 4:25-5:2
Our
Old Testament reading today is particularly poignant, for it is the
story of tragedy within the family of King David. The Hebrew scriptures
look back on David’s reign as a golden era in the history of
the Jewish people; but for David personally, human foibles and failings
and tragedy were very much a part of the picture as well. The chain
of circumstances which brought about Absalom’s tragic death
had begun several years earlier when Absalom’s older brother
Amnon raped his half-sister Tamar in a fit of passion. Absalom became
so enraged at this that he got his servants to murder Amnon at a family
dinner party he set up. Now Absalom is the outlaw in the family, forced
to flee the wrath of his father David. After three years a reconciliation
of sorts is worked out between the two. Yet in all this a lust for
power is growing in Absalom who still resents his father’s authority
over him; and before long the young man is conspiring to foment a
rebellion against David. By the time of today’s reading David
has a full-blown civil war on his hands, with his own son leading
the opposition forces! So what’s a father to do? The passage
makes clear that David continues to love his rebellious son. But David
also happens to be a king with responsibility for the welfare of a
whole nation. It is a time for tough love, and David sees clearly
what he must do. He must quash the rebellion for the sake of the nation
and for the sake of disciplining his son, while attempting at the
same time to spare his son’s life. But there are great risks
in war; and despite David’s wishes, Absalom is killed by David’s
forces when ironically he gets trapped in the branches of an oak tree.
And so David wins the war—but loses his son. And we hear his
intense anguish as he cries out, “O my son Absalom, would I
have died instead of you, O Absalom my son, my son.” Tough love
can be very hard on the instigator of it as well as on the receiver.
Many
of you know something about tough love also; and if you don’t
now, you probably will at some point. Human relationships are complex
and often get complicated; and at some points love calls us to make
hard decisions—decisions that are hard on us as well as the
other person, yet they need to be made. Those of you with children
of whatever ages are likely to know what I’m talking about.
How much children need and even secretly want parents to set limits
for them; but it’s simply not in their nature to tell you that
or to make it easy for you. Their developmental need is to push you
so they can learn where
(continued...)
"Tough
Love " by Rev. Larry Young, August 13, 2006
the limits are. And
in today’s consumerist culture one thing they are likely to push
you about is getting things, whether that be designer clothes or skateboards
or cars or whatever. If you believe there’s more to life than
the things we surround ourselves with, then for you love will mean not
giving your child every goody he or she asks for, even if you can afford
it. Children learn values by what you say no to as well as what you
approve. But you have to be willing to be a parent and set limits, even
when in the moment it makes your child unhappy.
An
even harder situation for tough loving is when children or other loved
ones are hooked on drugs or alcohol, or caught up in rebellious or hurtful
behavior such as Absalom was with David. How vividly I remember the
anguish of two parents in a previous church over their
daughter
who was so caught up in drugs that she was barely functioning. They
realized that for her sake something had to be done; and so they screwed
up their courage and bodily dragged her kicking and screaming into a
drug rehab program in a locked ward of a local hospital. They were present
for the required family therapy sessions and painfully saw her through
her time there. But because they hung in with tough love, their daughter
shook her drug dependency and got her life back.
I
know some of you have had to practice tough love like that, and I commend
you for it. And sometimes hard decisions and painful actions have to
be taken with a spouse or a colleague or friend, or even a parent. How
do you deal with a close loved one who won’t face up to a hurtful
problem her or she has? How do you say no to a friend who tries to claim
too much of you? How do you tell a parent they are no longer able to
drive a car or to live in their own home alone? These are occasions
for tough love—and it’s likely to be tough for all concerned.
But if the love is real, then that’s very likely what you need
to be doing in those situations.
Now
so far my guess is that I’ve been preaching mainly to the choir.
As hard as tough love often is in our personal relationships, I sense
that most of us realize that love has to be tough in some situations;
and we too screw up our courage and set limits and speak the truth in
love as best we are able. We may not do it as well as we know we ought
to, but at least our intentions are good. But there’s another
arena for tough love that we may find harder to engage, and that’s
the arena of our society.
Jean’s
and my vacation in Aspen, Colorado last month happened to be during
the week that the Aspen Institute (translate that “think tank”)
was having its annual Ideas Festival. A number of high-powered leader-types
from around the country were on hand to share their thoughts on a variety
of topics, but most of them having to do with the well-being of society.
One afternoon while I was off attending a concert, Jean sat in on a
session with Alan Greenspan, who until recently was a prime regulator
of our nation’s economy. So it was to be expected that Greenspan
would comment on the major challenges facing our nation today. And what
was the greatest challenge that Greenspan named? (continued...)
"Tough
Love " by Rev. Larry Young, August 13, 2006
The
quality of education in our public schools in grades 4-12! Our schools
are failing to produce the kind of well-educated people who can make
our nation competitive in today’s world, he said. And unless
we deal with this issue, a dark cloud hangs over our future.
Now
we know what he was talking about, don’t we? Hopefully our schools
here on the West Side are doing better than many; but overall public
education is in real trouble. And whatever the reasons for specific
deficiencies may be, we know it’s going to take a larger infusion
of public money to make our schools successful. What’s needed
is a tough love for all our children on the part of many of us to
create the political will for adequately funding our schools. In this
case tough love means paying attention to the political process. It
means carrying our convictions into the voting booth, even when it
may mean a tax increase for us. It means giving the time and energy
to care for our social well-being, even when tending to our personal
well-being demands a lot of us. It’s remembering that as God
so loved the world, so we in turn are called to channel love—often
tough love—to the world that lies beyond our personal boundaries.
In
our Social Issues seminar on homelessness two weeks ago, there was
some very spirited discussion about the fact of homelessness all around
us, which was made even more real by the presence of some homeless
persons in the group. It’s an upsetting and frustrating reality
to deal with; and more than once the question was asked, why should
such a problem exist in a society as affluent as ours? The answer
that kept coming back from the panel members was, the homeless problem
is what it is because we as a society lack the political will to deal
with it effectively. Homelessness is too pervasive to be dealt with
only on a volunteer basis. It requires public resources on a scale
that only government can provide adequately. And what’s missing
today is enough tough love for homeless people by enough people to
make this kind of help a political reality. Thank God for churches
and individuals that are reaching out in homeless ministry as they
are able. Thank God for this church’s role in establishing Family
Place where each year 50 or so families find shelter and the chance
to transition into housing of their own. We are making a significant
difference in those lives. But, friends, what about those we are not
able to serve there? Tough love for them means being advocates for
them in our conversations and our voting. It means doing whatever
we can to make homeless people a higher priority for help in our society
at large.
Tough
love is not easy to live out, either in personal relationships or
in society. It calls us to go the second mile, to expend our time
and energy, to risk being very uncomfortable in situations we’d
rather avoid. So how do we find the strength to love like this? For
me it has everything to do with how much I really care for those I
claim to love. Indifference never stirs me up to risk myself or to
go the second mile; only authentic love and deep-going caring have
the power to do that. (continued...)
"Tough
Love " by Rev. Larry Young, August 13, 2006
But
I also find I am helped to love when I know how much love, particularly
tough love, I receive from others—and I know there are times
when I try others’ patience. And I am helped also when I can
take in God’s tough love toward me. After all, how often are
you and I the rebellious son or daughter who thinks he or she knows
more about life than our Creator God, and so we are intent on doing
things our way without checking in with the Giver of Life? But in
Jesus Christ we see a God who never abandons us and keeps trying to
point us to life abundant. And in the cross we see how far God’s
tough love was willing to go for our sakes. That’s where we
see just how much we are loved and cared for.
And
if that kind of determined loving is at the heart of God’s being,
then we can be sure God blesses our efforts to love as well. The Sojourners
organization, a group of evangelical Christians working for social
change, has a sweatshirt that has these words on it: “Hope is
believing in spite of the evidence and watching the evidence change.”
I believe a similar thing can be said about tough love. I would word
it this way: “Love is taking action in spite of the evidence
that it may not work, and watching the evidence change.” We
don’t always know whether the way we love is on target; but
we can trust that God is present in our loving, giving us strength
and courage and guidance for getting on with it. Therefore, as the
writer of Ephesians puts it, our calling is to “be imitators
of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us
and gave himself up for us.” Tough love is no picnic—but
it is holy work! And yes, we have an Ally with us in the process!
©Larry
Young , 2006. Permission is given for brief quotation with attribution.
All other rights reserved.
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